Retirement

January 1, 2020  

I write this as a new beginning. First day of a new year, a new decade. First day of liturgical function that I did not participate in as Deacon. Retirement was effective December 29, 2019, Feast of the Holy Family, last day of preaching on the schedule. Two days later, on New Year’s, I watched others carry out the liturgy at Mass.

I confess it felt strange sitting in the pew rather than in the sanctuary. But I am determined to be true to my word in explaining why I chose the Holy Family day as my last official day. The reason was to create an optic of diaconate as being grounded in family not in clericalism. Being clerical is not the same as being a practitioner of clericalism. The latter is an opiate and it has given rise to complete failures of judgement, of morals, of just plain decency, all around the world. The news of the last decade attests to that with stories of abuse of power, sexual abuse, financial abuse. As I sat in the pew I felt the pull, the tug. I can see how easily it all can go off the rails and I ask forgiveness for any semblance of that shown by me.

Last Blog entry was March 6, 2017, After the big rounds of treatment, and before the end of maintenance chemo. Getting back to this is also, then, part of the new beginning.

Trying to monitor without overthinking. What’s going through my head? What am I feeling? What do I notice? With every leaving there is a sense of loss. In this case it is identity which has been part of the role for 26 years. I always counseled people to be present to the emotion that goes with loss. So I am doing that. At the same time I am noticing a freedom. It began at the New Year’s Mass. I was able to listen to every prayer, every song, participate in every gesture, every movement – and not have to be double-tracking about what I have to do next. Missing part of the richness of what was actually going on. I would not have anticipated such a difference.

The freedom includes thoughts of Peggy and me being able to be away on weekends to take in events with kids and grandkids. It includes thoughts of being able to support projects, initiatives, good ideas, without having to be front and centre public about it (nothing wrong with being front and centre public. In fact that is very much needed in good causes!). That thought occurred to me as I read a great New Year poem by Greg Kennedy S.J., who directed me on one of my retreats in Guelph. Check it out: http://ignation.ca/2019/12/31/new-years-eve-anthropocene/

People who know me know that my go to saint is Therese of Lisieux, the Little Flower. She is here with me at this new beginning – her birthday is January 2, She died an agonizing death of tuberculosis in 1898 at age 24. For years I could not get into her writings. I rediscovered her during my cancer treatments, and she inspired me to trust the Lord and love the Lord at a whole new level. I am always asking her help, and in the last few weeks I have sensed her hand repeatedly in things coming my way, I will write more about that, I am sure. In the meantime, I have promised many people that I would pray for them during their own cancer or other treatment. I ask Therese to look after them and to pray for them in a way that is far more powerful than my feeble prayers. Mostly I pray that people with serious illness be granted peace, relief from fear, and trust that the Lord holds them in his hands.

The gift of freedom is a good one. To all my friends and family, may you be granted that one as well in 2020. To follow the impulse to do good and to take the leap into relationship with God, without overthinking it. Just go. More later.