Talking to Mr. Anxiety

 Blog March 2021

    The pandemic with its stay at home orders and shut downs and school closings has truly rocked us. Mental health issues have appeared and there is a lot of anxiousness around. I thought I would reflect a bit on some of my work with anxiety.

    Here is a scene that played out in various ways many times over the years:

    Every time someone yelled at her or even got upset with her, she would start shaking. At work, she would shut down and retreat into herself. She was in a responsible job, however, and so she learned to forge ahead and try not let anyone see the extent of her distress. She was paying a great price for this strategy and one day she could just not do it anymore. She had to take time off work. Her boss was very concerned and puzzled. Listening to her, he thought she was depressed. He suggested she get help, and called me himself.

    The employee - male or female - in such a situation would feel embarrassed and humiliated. But also relieved to be able to finally share how difficult it had been all this time. Difficult because of the distress itself, but equally difficult in the realization that people did not understand what they were going through. Friends, co-workers and even family would ask if something was wrong. Men in this situation often conveyed the impression that they were angry.

    My client told her story, including her history of having been yelled at when she was a young child. She grew up thinking that she was not smart enough or capable enough or good enough. So she had to work extra hard to not only succeed but to excel at everything she did. She recognized the price she had paid, and it was not a big leap for her to connect at least some of that to her background. The problem was that it still felt very real to her that she might actually not be smart enough or capable enough or good enough. And that people knew it or soon would.

    And therein lies the heart of the matter.

    Two terrible things had happened to her in her psychological development. She was not responsible for either of them (do you remember that great scene in Good Will Hunting? Robin Williams says to Will twelve times, “It’s not you fault........ it’s not your fault ..... it’s not your fault.......”). First, the emotional reaction (fear) to being yelled at gave rise to the cognitive reaction (‘there is danger here’) of not being ‘good enough.’ Second, because that sequence had been laid down often, she (us, maybe) could not tell the direction of causality. Did the danger give rise to the fear, or did the long history of fear keep finding dangers? In this case, the fear found/ created the danger, not the other way around. But she and we do not register it that way when it happens. Our conscious experience is that we are afraid because there is a terrible danger that we have to avoid. It is heart-breaking to see and hear that history play out.

    To make matters worse, when the danger is evoked, we have no defense against it, it seems so real and familiar and legitimate. And so we do our best: we deflect, deny, obfuscate, become a perfectionist, get quiet, get angry - anything to avoid the danger of people seeing that I truly am not good enough here.

    Here is the good news. There is a defense.

    First a little side-bar. I went through this myself, and did not get to deal effectively with it until I was done grad school and was actually out practicing. Talk about humiliating! I had gone all the way through elementary and high school with a very high expectation bar set for me. The result of reminders of the great accomplishments of aunts, uncles, etc etc in religion, medicine, law, and other fields. My greatest fear would arise when I  would be told I had done something wrong, didn’t understand something, failed a test! Danger! Everyone will see I am not capable enough - not good enough. The voice told me don’t ever put your hand up in class. Even if you give the correct answer, someone might laugh thinking it was the wrong answer. And the fear and the danger would again be evoked.

    The anxiety was terrible. I at least recognized it as anxiety. It often presents as anger, or burnout or depression (if you live long enough with anxiety that you cannot master, you will become a candidate for depression) with the individual not being aware of the underlying anxiety. At that point it is accurate to say they do not feel their emotions.

    The defense, the one that works, is to learn to talk to the fear signal before it creates the danger. Or even while it is evoking the danger. I created Mr. Anxiety for this purpose. I would say, “I see you there, telling me I can’t speak up” or whatever I was too anxious to do. “I see you there, but today I am in charge. I am going to do it anyhow.” And I would. Mr. Anxiety eventually gave up and lost his power to manufacture dangers.

    But, you say, some of the dangers are in fact real, as when you are threatened by someone or when you come down with a very serious illness. Good point. Mr. Anxiety cannot create those dangers. What he can do, though, is convince you that you are helpless, that your life is over, and there is nothing you can do. Notice? (S)He has taken away your power again. So we address him/ her in the same way: “I hear you there. But you do not get to determine the kind of day I am going to have. I do. I am not giving that power away to you. I am going to be active. I am going to contact friends or a helping person. I am going to spend time on my hobby ....... I am going to live .......”

    I loved helping people develop their own version of Mr. Anxiety. One 12 year old boy created an image of an anxiety balloon that floated near the ceiling, and he would talk to it, and tell it that he - the boy - was in charge today.

    It occurs to me that the “Let’s Talk” campaign of earlier this year is a very worthwhile resource. And in keeping with the spirit of it, there could be some things in the stories I just told, that you can use or suggest to someone you know. In the particular example of anxiety - which may be observable but may also be disguising itself - talking to someone about it and then talking directly to it, may bring significant relief. I can tell you I own the t-shirt on that one.

    If you are a person of faith, you have another dimension to work with, namely the knowledge that you are supported by a God who loves you to bits. Sometimes you will recognize that support (usually after the fact) in the form of persons who come into your life or into your day. Sometimes you will recognize it in the quiet interior nudges that encourage and point to new directions. I will close with this hopeful little reflection that speaks beautifully to that. I re-posted it recently and it had appeared in the Loyola Press Daily Lenten Reflections: Have another look. The ending is beautiful. https://www2.loyolapress.com/webmail/39532/1133776403/b787d08f36b001ce70de6610cd3d8dc8d9310c4cb96bf55b979791968a38a9bb