I was talking to someone the other day about relationship stresses. I have done a lot of talking about that subject over the years! If I have learned anything, it is that relationships have a very good history of recovering from hurts, conflicts, blows to the head. The reason is, as one author has said, every relationship has a reservoir of good will. It may be hard to find it on a given day, and you may not believe it is there in a given month, but it usually is.
As a result, one piece of advice I give couples is to resist the temptation to see the relationship itself being on the table every time there is a dispute. The dispute is usually just the dispute, not the relationship! The dispute needs problem-solving, catching the breath, taking a step back for a moment, and so on. It does not need separation, permanent cutting off of communication, or any of a variety of drastic measures. Not normally, not in first instance for sure.
So when I was talking to this person, the image of the stock market came to mind. If you behaved in the stock market the way you are tempted to do in relationship ups and downs, you would go broke!
I took a look at today’s opening on the Toronto Stock Exchange. Wouldn't you know – straight down!
If this were a relationship, we would be charting an argument, a criticism, a rumor, a hurt. We might be so alarmed by the sudden swift change, that we pull the plug on the relationship. We are scared and hurt.
Next I looked at the past decade on the same Exchange. Big hit in 2009 (we all remember the financial meltdown, right?). But If you got out at the bottom, you miss the opportunities for the recovery that has already been taking place.
Finally, I took a look at the really long term, the past century. This time, the Dow Jones Exchange in New York. There is the blip that was the Crash of 1929. Are you ready? The market recovered from even that, and has been on a steady climb ever since. In my experience I would liken that Crash to infidelity in a marriage. Very very serious. Could wipe you out for sure. But I have seen marriages come back from that kind of calamity stronger than when they went in. Why? Because the reservoir of good will still existed; and because the sloppiness was taken out of the system: people quit taking things for granted in the relationship. They started talking, spending time with each other again, and so on.
No image is perfect, this one included. Sometimes the hit is too big, and for any of a number of reasons, you are too tired or too devastated to stay in the game.
But remember the reservoir. It may save your relationship – with a friend, relative, child, parent, or spouse.
Monday, July 12, 2010
Monday, June 28, 2010
Of polls and anarchists
An article in the Montreal Gazette June 28, 2010, reports on a national poll showing support for the monarchy as ‘lukewarm’ across the country, decidedly cold in Quebec. The occasion of course is the beginning of Her Majesty’s Canadian tour. Interestingly, the same poll looked at attitudes toward some other terms such as ‘socialism’, ‘family values’, etc. “(W)ords such as religion, church, Catholicism and Protestantism drew half-hearted reactions from most Canadians…… And 89 per cent of Canadians gave "family values" a positive response.”
The Anglican Church reviewed the findings, and reported on its website: “ A large majority (77%) of all Canadians say they do care (emphasis added) whether or not the Anglican, Roman Catholic and Presbyterian Churches survive the legal claims against them. Although church goers, regardless of frequency, express concern over the Churches' survival, concern is higher among those who attend regularly (89%) than among those who do not (71%)……. Only 22% of Canadians say they are indifferent to whether the Anglican Roman Catholic and Presbyterian Churches in Canada survive. ……. Forced to choose between making Churches pay claims regardless of consequences or protecting them from bankruptcy, fully 80% of Canadians believe the Churches should be protected from bankruptcy."
So when I look at these comments in aggregate, I am left scratching my head a bit and wondering if the cup is half empty or half full. Is the ‘lukewarm’ reaction to religion words the result of a national decline in interest for all things religious – or is it a sign of the strength of religious beliefs holding up as well as it is under incredibly trying and scandal-plagued times? That it could be much much worse, in other words, if we were not a nation who understood at some level that one’s relationship with God is bigger than the institutions that provide a home for our worship of God.
Another musing. We spent $1 billion to put on the greatest ….. what? ….. show of collaboration among the world’s leaders? …… embarrassment to our country? …… photo-op for the Prime Minister’s next election campaign? …… forging of a strong way forward by those who govern the world’s economies? What is your own take on that? Well, there I was trying to think through the significance of it all, when I see the live coverage of black clad people smashing up downtown Toronto and setting a couple of police cars on fire. I will not repeat the angry thoughts that ran through my head as I watched. But as always happens – without fail – when I am in one of those moods, the thought starts to insinuate itself, ‘These are God’s beloved.’ I tell you, that is tough. I am not only wanting them to be stopped, I have some punitive measures in my head. That is not God’s way. I think of the Prodigal Son. These are wayward folk. Boy are they off track. So cynical, so angry, so despairing of ever having influence in what they see as the power structures in some or all nations. Lash out, disturb, inflict pain, and disrupt. An embarrassment to people who still do believe in the power of protest, and who marched peacefully. What is the response to them? I feel an elder son response coming on big time.
But the Father just waits. And hurts. Not for himself, you understand. That would be us, that would be the elder son, taking it all so personally. No, the Father hurts for the woundedness of people whose wounds further hurt not only themselves but the citizens of the community around them.
I do know what the Father asks. That we pray for them. That we try to find it in our hearts to be less concerned about the punishment than the conversion – less concerned about the handcuffs than the softening of hearts.
I will try. And as I say that, I know that the first heart that needs to be softened is my own.
The Anglican Church reviewed the findings, and reported on its website: “ A large majority (77%) of all Canadians say they do care (emphasis added) whether or not the Anglican, Roman Catholic and Presbyterian Churches survive the legal claims against them. Although church goers, regardless of frequency, express concern over the Churches' survival, concern is higher among those who attend regularly (89%) than among those who do not (71%)……. Only 22% of Canadians say they are indifferent to whether the Anglican Roman Catholic and Presbyterian Churches in Canada survive. ……. Forced to choose between making Churches pay claims regardless of consequences or protecting them from bankruptcy, fully 80% of Canadians believe the Churches should be protected from bankruptcy."
So when I look at these comments in aggregate, I am left scratching my head a bit and wondering if the cup is half empty or half full. Is the ‘lukewarm’ reaction to religion words the result of a national decline in interest for all things religious – or is it a sign of the strength of religious beliefs holding up as well as it is under incredibly trying and scandal-plagued times? That it could be much much worse, in other words, if we were not a nation who understood at some level that one’s relationship with God is bigger than the institutions that provide a home for our worship of God.
Another musing. We spent $1 billion to put on the greatest ….. what? ….. show of collaboration among the world’s leaders? …… embarrassment to our country? …… photo-op for the Prime Minister’s next election campaign? …… forging of a strong way forward by those who govern the world’s economies? What is your own take on that? Well, there I was trying to think through the significance of it all, when I see the live coverage of black clad people smashing up downtown Toronto and setting a couple of police cars on fire. I will not repeat the angry thoughts that ran through my head as I watched. But as always happens – without fail – when I am in one of those moods, the thought starts to insinuate itself, ‘These are God’s beloved.’ I tell you, that is tough. I am not only wanting them to be stopped, I have some punitive measures in my head. That is not God’s way. I think of the Prodigal Son. These are wayward folk. Boy are they off track. So cynical, so angry, so despairing of ever having influence in what they see as the power structures in some or all nations. Lash out, disturb, inflict pain, and disrupt. An embarrassment to people who still do believe in the power of protest, and who marched peacefully. What is the response to them? I feel an elder son response coming on big time.
But the Father just waits. And hurts. Not for himself, you understand. That would be us, that would be the elder son, taking it all so personally. No, the Father hurts for the woundedness of people whose wounds further hurt not only themselves but the citizens of the community around them.
I do know what the Father asks. That we pray for them. That we try to find it in our hearts to be less concerned about the punishment than the conversion – less concerned about the handcuffs than the softening of hearts.
I will try. And as I say that, I know that the first heart that needs to be softened is my own.
Monday, June 21, 2010
Let's talk about attachment
I talked a while ago about the workshop I attended in Ottawa, led by Gordon Neufeld. The theme was bullying, and what I did not say was that the theoretical context was what we in the field know as Attachment Theory.
Briefly this was first articulated in the 1950’s and 1960’s by a British psychiatrist named John Bowlby. He said that the ‘attachment system’ plays out between child and caregiver (parent), and is as built in as the feeding and reproductive systems. In short, when a child is in distress and cries, the child cannot stop the cry until one of two things happens: parent comes and comforts (change diaper, feed, etc), or child is simply exhausted. When the parent responds to comfort, the child’s brain develops the ability be comforted, leading to the day when the older child comforts him or her self. When the response is no response, or a yell or a hit, the baby’s problems increase. Distress intensifies, and no inner template is developing. And the world is on its way to being a very scary place.
You know people who play this out every day, somewhere on the safety scale (you are one of them). You will see those who handle conflict very well; you will see those who take everything personally, and either rage or cry. You will see those who are unfailingly kind and charitable; you will see those whose only interest is themselves, and getting there first. You are seeing the results of what we call secure and insecure attachment patterns.
Attachment relationships occur in every creature species and across the lifetime. When we become adults, the dependence/ independence dynamic is slightly different, in that it does not characterize the relationship (as in parent-child) but rather situations. I need to be taken care of right now, and I need you for that. When you need to be taken care of, I am there for you.
I attended another workshop on attachment this past week, and as always happens, information builds on what you already know. The presenter was Dr. Diane Benoit from Sick Kids hospital in Toronto. I may refer back to her work and that of Dr. Neufeld from time to time, because parents really need to become experts in this and skilled at it. The neat thing for our work is that parents who do not have the skills, can acquire them.
So, for today, here is Dr. Benoit’s list of parent behaviours that produce a severely affected child:
1. Emotional communication errors: contradictory/ mixed signals; failure to initiate response, or inappropriate response, to infant cues of distress;
2. Role/ boundary confusions: role reversal, sexualized behaviour;
3. Disorientation: parent is frightened or disorganized;
4. Intrusiveness/ negativity: attributing negative motivation to the child; tries to control with objects rather than holding, comforting;
5. Withdrawal: distancing self from child; directing child away from self by using toys
You see what is missing in all these; accurate response to distress, through use of the eyes, smiles, voice.
Out here in the orchard, the animals never holler to their young, “I’ll be with you in a little while.” They never ignore the pleadings of their young, and above all they never whack them over the head when the young are in distress. The young learn from the start that they are safe in their parents’ care.
We humans, are so much smarter, right? And we get it wrong many times every day before lunch.
Perfection is never the minimum. But developing the mindset, the awareness of how this works and how important it is, is the minimum. The skills, if we do not already have them, can be learned.
And a big nod in the direction of our relationship with our Creator. Have you noticed? The attachment system starts right there. Our God designed us to be dependent on him. In return God has total regard for us, will never put us off, will never whack us over the head. Never. When those bad times come along, that is not God doing it to us. On the contrary, God is waiting: when the attachment system is turned on in us, God is right there. How neat is that. You are always safe with this caregiver. Always.
Briefly this was first articulated in the 1950’s and 1960’s by a British psychiatrist named John Bowlby. He said that the ‘attachment system’ plays out between child and caregiver (parent), and is as built in as the feeding and reproductive systems. In short, when a child is in distress and cries, the child cannot stop the cry until one of two things happens: parent comes and comforts (change diaper, feed, etc), or child is simply exhausted. When the parent responds to comfort, the child’s brain develops the ability be comforted, leading to the day when the older child comforts him or her self. When the response is no response, or a yell or a hit, the baby’s problems increase. Distress intensifies, and no inner template is developing. And the world is on its way to being a very scary place.
You know people who play this out every day, somewhere on the safety scale (you are one of them). You will see those who handle conflict very well; you will see those who take everything personally, and either rage or cry. You will see those who are unfailingly kind and charitable; you will see those whose only interest is themselves, and getting there first. You are seeing the results of what we call secure and insecure attachment patterns.
Attachment relationships occur in every creature species and across the lifetime. When we become adults, the dependence/ independence dynamic is slightly different, in that it does not characterize the relationship (as in parent-child) but rather situations. I need to be taken care of right now, and I need you for that. When you need to be taken care of, I am there for you.
I attended another workshop on attachment this past week, and as always happens, information builds on what you already know. The presenter was Dr. Diane Benoit from Sick Kids hospital in Toronto. I may refer back to her work and that of Dr. Neufeld from time to time, because parents really need to become experts in this and skilled at it. The neat thing for our work is that parents who do not have the skills, can acquire them.
So, for today, here is Dr. Benoit’s list of parent behaviours that produce a severely affected child:
1. Emotional communication errors: contradictory/ mixed signals; failure to initiate response, or inappropriate response, to infant cues of distress;
2. Role/ boundary confusions: role reversal, sexualized behaviour;
3. Disorientation: parent is frightened or disorganized;
4. Intrusiveness/ negativity: attributing negative motivation to the child; tries to control with objects rather than holding, comforting;
5. Withdrawal: distancing self from child; directing child away from self by using toys
You see what is missing in all these; accurate response to distress, through use of the eyes, smiles, voice.
Out here in the orchard, the animals never holler to their young, “I’ll be with you in a little while.” They never ignore the pleadings of their young, and above all they never whack them over the head when the young are in distress. The young learn from the start that they are safe in their parents’ care.
We humans, are so much smarter, right? And we get it wrong many times every day before lunch.
Perfection is never the minimum. But developing the mindset, the awareness of how this works and how important it is, is the minimum. The skills, if we do not already have them, can be learned.
And a big nod in the direction of our relationship with our Creator. Have you noticed? The attachment system starts right there. Our God designed us to be dependent on him. In return God has total regard for us, will never put us off, will never whack us over the head. Never. When those bad times come along, that is not God doing it to us. On the contrary, God is waiting: when the attachment system is turned on in us, God is right there. How neat is that. You are always safe with this caregiver. Always.
Monday, June 7, 2010
Inspired by a Rapper
His picture was on the front page of the Entertainment section of the Star. I was not going to pay much attention until these words caught my eye: “But the one thing you’ll never hear – or miss – on a Shad song is profanity. “I don’t really curse too much in regular life, so I figure it would be disingenuous to just put that in my music……. And also, who says that has to be the vocabulary of the music? Hip-hop’s always been about doing your own thing and you don’t need to curse to engage people.””
Call me naïve, but I did think that was the vocabulary of the music. My exposure has been limited, but I have heard Eminem. I feel sorry for that guy.
But Shad. I am blown away. This guy has my utmost respect. I do not know anything about him beyond what I read here. I do not know what he does with his life otherwise. But to be willing to go out to your public with this message ….. well, sir, I thank you.
More than that, with my cynicism lowered and my judgementalism looking at me in the mirror, I feel called to clean up my act. Indeed I feel free to do that. Shad made me realize that I carry a bit of a what’s the use mentality. Know what that does? It lowers my resolve, my discipline.
Amazing. And cool (if that doesn’t sound too uncool coming from an old guy!). He doesn’t know it, but he is a gift. To me, anyway. I think the Risen Lord would approve of that. Do you suppose He had anything to do with it?
Call me naïve, but I did think that was the vocabulary of the music. My exposure has been limited, but I have heard Eminem. I feel sorry for that guy.
But Shad. I am blown away. This guy has my utmost respect. I do not know anything about him beyond what I read here. I do not know what he does with his life otherwise. But to be willing to go out to your public with this message ….. well, sir, I thank you.
More than that, with my cynicism lowered and my judgementalism looking at me in the mirror, I feel called to clean up my act. Indeed I feel free to do that. Shad made me realize that I carry a bit of a what’s the use mentality. Know what that does? It lowers my resolve, my discipline.
Amazing. And cool (if that doesn’t sound too uncool coming from an old guy!). He doesn’t know it, but he is a gift. To me, anyway. I think the Risen Lord would approve of that. Do you suppose He had anything to do with it?
Friday, June 4, 2010
Perfect game
Perfection. I was thinking about this concept the other day when major league umpire Jim Joyce blew the call on the last out for Armando Galarraga’s perfect game. Twenty-seven batters up and twenty-seven batters out, is the definition of a perfect game. Replays show that Gallaraga had his perfect game. The last batter was out at first base, but the ump called it wrong. And the call stood. Baseball has no mechanism for overturning such a call. Fans are rightly screaming for video-replay option, to let the umps have a second look.
All my professional life I have been urging people to consider that perfection is not the minimum. This advice is especially important for people who are hard on themselves or on others. Baseball has a clear definition for the perfect game. Life does not.
Out here in the orchard, perfection is not even a consideration. The creatures go about their work. They build, they reproduce, they hunt for food, they feed themselves and their young. If things do not work out, they try again. You see it all the time. Funny that is does not work that way with humans.
We do something and then we evaluate it. We watch someone else do something and then we evaluate that too. How do you score on the harsh-judgment meter?
Sometimes we evaluate our effort even before we do it. And get too nervous to try. So we bail.
Fortunately our God does not see it the way we often do. The story of the Prodigal Son is a tremendous illustration of how God assesses things. Where many of us humans would be yelling at the younger son for being such an ungrateful little jerk, the Father simply welcomes him home. Does God blow the call, then? Or is the message rather that the outcome is not about performance, it is about relationship. God is not hanging out for us to get it right all the time.
In life as in baseball itself, perfection is not the minimum. We would go crazy if it were. Staying in the game is the minimum, always returning to the relationship. We will be called safe, count on it.
All my professional life I have been urging people to consider that perfection is not the minimum. This advice is especially important for people who are hard on themselves or on others. Baseball has a clear definition for the perfect game. Life does not.
Out here in the orchard, perfection is not even a consideration. The creatures go about their work. They build, they reproduce, they hunt for food, they feed themselves and their young. If things do not work out, they try again. You see it all the time. Funny that is does not work that way with humans.
We do something and then we evaluate it. We watch someone else do something and then we evaluate that too. How do you score on the harsh-judgment meter?
Sometimes we evaluate our effort even before we do it. And get too nervous to try. So we bail.
Fortunately our God does not see it the way we often do. The story of the Prodigal Son is a tremendous illustration of how God assesses things. Where many of us humans would be yelling at the younger son for being such an ungrateful little jerk, the Father simply welcomes him home. Does God blow the call, then? Or is the message rather that the outcome is not about performance, it is about relationship. God is not hanging out for us to get it right all the time.
In life as in baseball itself, perfection is not the minimum. We would go crazy if it were. Staying in the game is the minimum, always returning to the relationship. We will be called safe, count on it.
Sunday, May 23, 2010
Playoffs and Workshops
It is very difficult being a Leafs fan through the playoffs! You want a Canadian team in all the way, but you have cheered against them all year, every year! Well, sadly it looks as though there will be two American teams (loaded with Canadian players) in the Stanley Cup finals. At that point we Toronto fans can turn our attention again to the Canadian baseball team (loaded with American players!), the Blue Jays. I will try to make sense out of all that one day.
On another note, I just attended a great workshop in Ottawa. It was led by Vancouver psychologist Dr. Gordon Neufeld, of whom I have been aware for some time, and whose writings I have used in my own work with kids and families.
This workshop was on bullying, ‘their making and unmaking.’ I cannot do it justice here, but Dr. Neufeld used a couple of phrases that resonate with our natural parenting instincts, I think. He talked about the need to ‘soften their hearts,’ and this makes a whole lot of sense when you understand how the bullying impulse arises in the first place.
He also talked about the need to make contact with kids in a way that would facilitate the softening process (and act as a preventive measure for all kids). So when you are talking to your kids, ‘collect them with the eyes, first, then with a smile, then with a nod.’ Warm and affirming.
I would commend those two phrases to the mindset of every parent. ‘Collect them with the eyes’. Love it.
Dr. Neufeld’s career roughly parallels mine in time. He has been a researcher, clinician and writer for a long time, and he has put a lot of effort now into putting his accumulated learning and wisdom into books and DVDs. I am not his agent, but this is very good stuff. Parents, you can check it out at http://www.gordonneufeld.com/.
His latest book is titled “Hold on to Your Kids’, and he will soon publish his book on bullying. The bullying lecture, though, is available on DVD.
On another note, I just attended a great workshop in Ottawa. It was led by Vancouver psychologist Dr. Gordon Neufeld, of whom I have been aware for some time, and whose writings I have used in my own work with kids and families.
This workshop was on bullying, ‘their making and unmaking.’ I cannot do it justice here, but Dr. Neufeld used a couple of phrases that resonate with our natural parenting instincts, I think. He talked about the need to ‘soften their hearts,’ and this makes a whole lot of sense when you understand how the bullying impulse arises in the first place.
He also talked about the need to make contact with kids in a way that would facilitate the softening process (and act as a preventive measure for all kids). So when you are talking to your kids, ‘collect them with the eyes, first, then with a smile, then with a nod.’ Warm and affirming.
I would commend those two phrases to the mindset of every parent. ‘Collect them with the eyes’. Love it.
Dr. Neufeld’s career roughly parallels mine in time. He has been a researcher, clinician and writer for a long time, and he has put a lot of effort now into putting his accumulated learning and wisdom into books and DVDs. I am not his agent, but this is very good stuff. Parents, you can check it out at http://www.gordonneufeld.com/.
His latest book is titled “Hold on to Your Kids’, and he will soon publish his book on bullying. The bullying lecture, though, is available on DVD.
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
Celebrating Catholic Youth Conference
In a world that has become increasingly cynical about pretty much everything, it is great to see our young folks step up to the plate and be counted. This past weekend I attended a wonderful, high energy youth conference that reminded me of World Youth Day 2002, in Toronto. People in the 14-20-ish age range have an energy that is infectious and uplifting. From the MC to the music group to the audience, these young adults are quite capable of showing the Church as it can be, and as they want it to be.
Not that they are alone, either. One individual who I would say is a contemporary of mine (ie, 'elder') told me he was having a great time soaking up this energy and enthusiasm. He was there to help out in a support role, but was finding that he was being more than repaid.
I had a role as a speaker in one of the workshop sessions, and I must say I am thankful. My role got me to the Conference, and I came away thrilled to have been there. My faith was given a shot in the arm, and more than anything I marveled that in an era in which young folks can be forgiven for being cynical about the Church, they showed that they are not cynical about Jesus.
One of the highlights was a skit called the 'Everything Skit.' You may have seen it, as there are several versions of it on You Tube. The one done for this Conference was as good as anything I have seen posted. I include the following link, however, as a particularly good example of the skit. It is very powerful. Notice the reaction of the audience even before the skit comes to a close.
http:// http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cyheJ480LYA
Here is another link, to let you see some of the Conference pictures from the Archdiocesan website: http://www.romancatholic.kingston.on.ca/
Not that they are alone, either. One individual who I would say is a contemporary of mine (ie, 'elder') told me he was having a great time soaking up this energy and enthusiasm. He was there to help out in a support role, but was finding that he was being more than repaid.
I had a role as a speaker in one of the workshop sessions, and I must say I am thankful. My role got me to the Conference, and I came away thrilled to have been there. My faith was given a shot in the arm, and more than anything I marveled that in an era in which young folks can be forgiven for being cynical about the Church, they showed that they are not cynical about Jesus.
One of the highlights was a skit called the 'Everything Skit.' You may have seen it, as there are several versions of it on You Tube. The one done for this Conference was as good as anything I have seen posted. I include the following link, however, as a particularly good example of the skit. It is very powerful. Notice the reaction of the audience even before the skit comes to a close.
http:// http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cyheJ480LYA
Here is another link, to let you see some of the Conference pictures from the Archdiocesan website: http://www.romancatholic.kingston.on.ca/
Thursday, April 29, 2010
More Light on the Church
We are all well aware that anger, bitterness, and indignation have characterized much of the reporting and the commentaries around the scandal of sex abuse in the Church.
There remains a great deal of that, many months into the unfolding of the story.
It is becoming clear, however, that the anger has a focus, and it is not really the abuse itself any more. It is the not coming clean, the general lack of transparency, that is exasperating the observers of this moment in history.
Interestingly, a new phenomenon is unfolding out of this. A kind of concordance is happening between the messages of the secular commentators, and those of observers within the Church. There are many examples.
Maureen Dowd writes an op-ed piece in the New York Times. Here is a short selection from her article on April 6 of this year, titled The Church’s Judas Moment:
The church is dying from a thousand cuts. Its cover-up has cost a fortune and been a betrayal worthy of Judas. The money spent came from social programs, Catholic schools and the poor. This should be a sin that cries to heaven for vengeance. We must reassess. Married priests and laypeople giving the sacraments are not going to destroy the church. Based on what we have seen the last 10 years, they would be a bargain. It is time to go back to the disciplines that the church was founded on and remind our seminaries and universities what they are.
Joan Chittister is a Benedictine sister and a prolific Catholic author. She has written some powerful books on spirituality that I have enjoyed very much. Here is an excerpt from a piece she wrote on March 17, 2010, titled Divided Loyalties: an Incredible Situation:
From where I stand, if there are any in whom we should be able to presume a strong conscience and an even stronger commitment to the public welfare, it is surely the priests and religious of the church. But if that is the case, then the church must also review its theology of obedience so that those of good heart can become real moral leaders rather than simply agents of the institution.
A bifurcation of loyalties that requires religious to put canon law above civil law and moral law puts us in a situation where the keepers of religion may themselves become one of the greatest dangers to the credibility -- and the morality -- of the church itself.
Strong words. Is there a theme in articles like these? I think so: the Church needs to find a new way to do business.
Perhaps a new Church is in the offing. Perhaps the priesthood of the laity (Vatican ll) will re-emerge. Father Paul Philbert, a Dominican, puts it this way, starting with a quote from the Council:
“The baptized, by regeneration and the anointing of the Holy Spirit, are consecrated a spiritual house and a holy priesthood, that through all their Christian activities they may offer spiritual sacrifices and proclaim the marvels of him who has called them out of darkness into his wonderful light” (Lumen Gentium 10). In other words, the vocation that the church offers to the faithful is not a secondary role as clients of clerical ministries, but a Spirit-filled participation as pioneers in the church’s role as herald of the kingdom of God.
Perhaps an open, joyous transparency will emerge in this Church. People will come back to that kind of Church. Many have walked away from the secret, dismissive, set apart Church. The scandal locked the door for them.
The world we live in understands that perfection is not the minimum. But it will not tolerate being lied to and talked down to. That went out a long time ago. The Church needs to ‘read the signs of the times’ again, as Pope John XXIII said in calling that great gathering we fondly remember as Vatican II. I suspect a lot of reading is going on as we speak.
There remains a great deal of that, many months into the unfolding of the story.
It is becoming clear, however, that the anger has a focus, and it is not really the abuse itself any more. It is the not coming clean, the general lack of transparency, that is exasperating the observers of this moment in history.
Interestingly, a new phenomenon is unfolding out of this. A kind of concordance is happening between the messages of the secular commentators, and those of observers within the Church. There are many examples.
Maureen Dowd writes an op-ed piece in the New York Times. Here is a short selection from her article on April 6 of this year, titled The Church’s Judas Moment:
The church is dying from a thousand cuts. Its cover-up has cost a fortune and been a betrayal worthy of Judas. The money spent came from social programs, Catholic schools and the poor. This should be a sin that cries to heaven for vengeance. We must reassess. Married priests and laypeople giving the sacraments are not going to destroy the church. Based on what we have seen the last 10 years, they would be a bargain. It is time to go back to the disciplines that the church was founded on and remind our seminaries and universities what they are.
Joan Chittister is a Benedictine sister and a prolific Catholic author. She has written some powerful books on spirituality that I have enjoyed very much. Here is an excerpt from a piece she wrote on March 17, 2010, titled Divided Loyalties: an Incredible Situation:
From where I stand, if there are any in whom we should be able to presume a strong conscience and an even stronger commitment to the public welfare, it is surely the priests and religious of the church. But if that is the case, then the church must also review its theology of obedience so that those of good heart can become real moral leaders rather than simply agents of the institution.
A bifurcation of loyalties that requires religious to put canon law above civil law and moral law puts us in a situation where the keepers of religion may themselves become one of the greatest dangers to the credibility -- and the morality -- of the church itself.
Strong words. Is there a theme in articles like these? I think so: the Church needs to find a new way to do business.
Perhaps a new Church is in the offing. Perhaps the priesthood of the laity (Vatican ll) will re-emerge. Father Paul Philbert, a Dominican, puts it this way, starting with a quote from the Council:
“The baptized, by regeneration and the anointing of the Holy Spirit, are consecrated a spiritual house and a holy priesthood, that through all their Christian activities they may offer spiritual sacrifices and proclaim the marvels of him who has called them out of darkness into his wonderful light” (Lumen Gentium 10). In other words, the vocation that the church offers to the faithful is not a secondary role as clients of clerical ministries, but a Spirit-filled participation as pioneers in the church’s role as herald of the kingdom of God.
Perhaps an open, joyous transparency will emerge in this Church. People will come back to that kind of Church. Many have walked away from the secret, dismissive, set apart Church. The scandal locked the door for them.
The world we live in understands that perfection is not the minimum. But it will not tolerate being lied to and talked down to. That went out a long time ago. The Church needs to ‘read the signs of the times’ again, as Pope John XXIII said in calling that great gathering we fondly remember as Vatican II. I suspect a lot of reading is going on as we speak.
Friday, April 16, 2010
Darkness vanishes
The chirping of the birds is getting louder in the morning. They herald the new season. Activity is starting in the orchard, and even the groundhog paths are becoming visible through the grass.
The weather has been dark lately, and I do not just mean the rain and cold. I mean spiritual weather. It has not been good recently. The pastor and I have preached on the scandals in the Church two weeks in a row. At Easter. Imagine.
But the signs of spring and the Easter lilies remind me there is much more to the season than bad news. Indeed the season is all about the best News the world every had, the triumph of the Cross and Resurrection, our redemption, our second chance.
In its own way, this scandal-laden time is a reminder of how badly we truly need this redemption. Perhaps we have been ‘way to complacent, thinking that Easter was just a nice celebration of the glory of God. Dig a bit deeper, I am thinking.
It is the Deacon’s privilege to sing the Exultet at the Easter Vigil. For the past seventeen years that has been the high point of my Easter experience. I am thinking of it now, thinking of how powerful its message is, not as a moment of piety but as a moment to remember God’s response to our tremendous need. The Exultet is sung in a darkened church, with the light from the new Easter candle piercing that darkness. It announces Easter to the world. Here are a few phrases from the Exultet:
Rejoice O earth in shining splendor, radiant in the brightness of your King… Darkness vanishes forever. Rejoice O Mother Church … the Risen Saviour shines upon you…….. Night truly blessed, when heaven is wedded to earth and we are reconciled with God.
Christ is the light of the morning. A new day. He lets us start over and he leads. May we follow him, trust him, depend on him, and never again lose sight of him.
The weather has been dark lately, and I do not just mean the rain and cold. I mean spiritual weather. It has not been good recently. The pastor and I have preached on the scandals in the Church two weeks in a row. At Easter. Imagine.
But the signs of spring and the Easter lilies remind me there is much more to the season than bad news. Indeed the season is all about the best News the world every had, the triumph of the Cross and Resurrection, our redemption, our second chance.
In its own way, this scandal-laden time is a reminder of how badly we truly need this redemption. Perhaps we have been ‘way to complacent, thinking that Easter was just a nice celebration of the glory of God. Dig a bit deeper, I am thinking.
It is the Deacon’s privilege to sing the Exultet at the Easter Vigil. For the past seventeen years that has been the high point of my Easter experience. I am thinking of it now, thinking of how powerful its message is, not as a moment of piety but as a moment to remember God’s response to our tremendous need. The Exultet is sung in a darkened church, with the light from the new Easter candle piercing that darkness. It announces Easter to the world. Here are a few phrases from the Exultet:
Rejoice O earth in shining splendor, radiant in the brightness of your King… Darkness vanishes forever. Rejoice O Mother Church … the Risen Saviour shines upon you…….. Night truly blessed, when heaven is wedded to earth and we are reconciled with God.
Christ is the light of the morning. A new day. He lets us start over and he leads. May we follow him, trust him, depend on him, and never again lose sight of him.
Sunday, April 4, 2010
Of sausage and membership in the Church
I have heard about the Year of the Priest all this past year. But when the Bishop talked about it at the Chrism Mass in Holy Week, it hit me in a whole different way. What a time for the Year of the Priest! Right now you can take that phrase a few different ways - the year to remember the incredible abuses by priests..... the year to rally behind the priesthood itself ....... the year to point out that so many priests are and have been faithful to their ministry.
It is Easter Sunday today. The news of the past several months has focused on the scandal of abuse, but even more on the real scandal, that of cover-ups, moves, spin-doctoring, and denial. This past week the emphasis has been on what Church leaders have been saying. Some incredible gaffes are still happening, but today I detect a bit of a shift. Bishops around the world - Great Britain, Ireland, Germany, Canada, the U.S. - are showing that they get it. Obfuscation is no longer the order of the day with those men. Honesty, admission, naming the problem, is now the order of the day. And the name of the problem, the one the world has really keyed in on, is not the abuse, as bad as that is. It is the lying and cover ups and denial. Hopefully, there is a tide sweeping through the Church that will continue the theme. Some clergy may feel like they are beating this to death, or that they are getting beat to death. Far from it, they are showing the world what it wanted to see from the beginning. Keep going until the world says it is satisfied.
In the meantime, the Church will survive. There are several terrific articles to that effect. The latest is in today's (April 4, 2010)Toronto Star, by Angelo Persichilli, 'Resilient church will overcome latest scandal.' Yesterday's Toronto Star had a great feature on Southdown, the treatment facility for clergy, located north of Toronto. The article contains really useful information that puts the problem of abuse in some perspective.
Long before the abuse scandal, I had this phrase that I would say to people (It's been so long, I don't know whether I was quoting someone, or made it up on my own): Being up close to Holy Mother Church is like watching sausage being made: you will never eat it again, unless you can live with messiness. The messiness I was initially referring to was the spectrum of personality quirks, politics, spirits of meanness, etc, that I had occasionally encountered in Church leaders. None of which shook my faith for even a moment. Messiness is the order of the day. If it weren't, the Cross and Resurrection - what we are celebrating right now - would have been useless jokes. They aren't jokes, they are needed very badly. What a great reminder all of this is. May its lesson not be lost. We need a purifying in the Church, we need transparency. And we need to be reminded that it is still the place to be. Jesus has not and will not withdraw his promise to us, to be the way, the truth, and the life. We've been acting as though we forgot that. Today is a day tinged by sadness for the victims of abuse, but it is also a day to remember that the Resurrection was for them too. Keep hope alive. Peace to all.
It is Easter Sunday today. The news of the past several months has focused on the scandal of abuse, but even more on the real scandal, that of cover-ups, moves, spin-doctoring, and denial. This past week the emphasis has been on what Church leaders have been saying. Some incredible gaffes are still happening, but today I detect a bit of a shift. Bishops around the world - Great Britain, Ireland, Germany, Canada, the U.S. - are showing that they get it. Obfuscation is no longer the order of the day with those men. Honesty, admission, naming the problem, is now the order of the day. And the name of the problem, the one the world has really keyed in on, is not the abuse, as bad as that is. It is the lying and cover ups and denial. Hopefully, there is a tide sweeping through the Church that will continue the theme. Some clergy may feel like they are beating this to death, or that they are getting beat to death. Far from it, they are showing the world what it wanted to see from the beginning. Keep going until the world says it is satisfied.
In the meantime, the Church will survive. There are several terrific articles to that effect. The latest is in today's (April 4, 2010)Toronto Star, by Angelo Persichilli, 'Resilient church will overcome latest scandal.' Yesterday's Toronto Star had a great feature on Southdown, the treatment facility for clergy, located north of Toronto. The article contains really useful information that puts the problem of abuse in some perspective.
Long before the abuse scandal, I had this phrase that I would say to people (It's been so long, I don't know whether I was quoting someone, or made it up on my own): Being up close to Holy Mother Church is like watching sausage being made: you will never eat it again, unless you can live with messiness. The messiness I was initially referring to was the spectrum of personality quirks, politics, spirits of meanness, etc, that I had occasionally encountered in Church leaders. None of which shook my faith for even a moment. Messiness is the order of the day. If it weren't, the Cross and Resurrection - what we are celebrating right now - would have been useless jokes. They aren't jokes, they are needed very badly. What a great reminder all of this is. May its lesson not be lost. We need a purifying in the Church, we need transparency. And we need to be reminded that it is still the place to be. Jesus has not and will not withdraw his promise to us, to be the way, the truth, and the life. We've been acting as though we forgot that. Today is a day tinged by sadness for the victims of abuse, but it is also a day to remember that the Resurrection was for them too. Keep hope alive. Peace to all.
Saturday, March 27, 2010
The big disconnect and Holy Week
Saturday night. It is Passion Sunday, and Holy Week is under way. Every year without fail, something grabs me on this day. No matter what kind of downer I might be in, or what kind of un-spiritual space, Holy Week has a way of reminding me about what is truly important, and how it is that I can function at all in this world. It is the Passion, death, and Resurrection of Jesus without which I would somehow have to get through life on my own. I learned a long time ago that won't work.
The disconnect between the way we humans think of ourselves, on the one hand, and what the Cross did for us, on the other, came into stark relief recently with a news headline. Seems that some civil servants in Ontario were about to be laid off, then paid a huge severance, then hired back to do the exact same job the next day. Commentators and letter writers were making big noises about the greed of it all. One writer begged the civil servants to turn down the manna from the sky. But another commentator noted they probably would not do so, since it would be a function of 'their entitlement to their entitlements.'
Entitlement to their entitlements. That is a new one. I have been writing about the 'age of entitlement' for a number of years now, in which the current generation selectively excuses itself from the rules. Running red lights. Ok for me, not for you. Parking at the door of Tim Horton's with my motor running and the nearest parking space 20 feet away. That's ok for me. You go park in the parking space.
But entitlement to their entitlements. I hadn't thought of that. I have a right to my rights. My rights. Get out of my way.
Holy Week blows that all into smithereens. Jesus knew his rights, don't you think? Wouldn't you have claimed them, in his place?
Instead, his total interest, his total regard, was for us, for everyone but himself. That is what love does. It looks out for the other person, not for 'me.' Hey, you go ahead in line. Hey, sorry I got in your way. Hey, sorry I inconvenienced you. Hey, you know what, you have a good point there .........
May this Holy Week be a time for us to reclaim our freedom - our freedom from the tyranny of entitlement, our freedom for open and unconditional love for one another.
Out in the Orchard, signs of spring are asserting themselves. New life. Resurrection. Triumph over 'me'. The denizens if the Orchard know how this works, let's make sure we are among their numbers.
Have a great Holy Week.
The disconnect between the way we humans think of ourselves, on the one hand, and what the Cross did for us, on the other, came into stark relief recently with a news headline. Seems that some civil servants in Ontario were about to be laid off, then paid a huge severance, then hired back to do the exact same job the next day. Commentators and letter writers were making big noises about the greed of it all. One writer begged the civil servants to turn down the manna from the sky. But another commentator noted they probably would not do so, since it would be a function of 'their entitlement to their entitlements.'
Entitlement to their entitlements. That is a new one. I have been writing about the 'age of entitlement' for a number of years now, in which the current generation selectively excuses itself from the rules. Running red lights. Ok for me, not for you. Parking at the door of Tim Horton's with my motor running and the nearest parking space 20 feet away. That's ok for me. You go park in the parking space.
But entitlement to their entitlements. I hadn't thought of that. I have a right to my rights. My rights. Get out of my way.
Holy Week blows that all into smithereens. Jesus knew his rights, don't you think? Wouldn't you have claimed them, in his place?
Instead, his total interest, his total regard, was for us, for everyone but himself. That is what love does. It looks out for the other person, not for 'me.' Hey, you go ahead in line. Hey, sorry I got in your way. Hey, sorry I inconvenienced you. Hey, you know what, you have a good point there .........
May this Holy Week be a time for us to reclaim our freedom - our freedom from the tyranny of entitlement, our freedom for open and unconditional love for one another.
Out in the Orchard, signs of spring are asserting themselves. New life. Resurrection. Triumph over 'me'. The denizens if the Orchard know how this works, let's make sure we are among their numbers.
Have a great Holy Week.
Saturday, March 20, 2010
March Break musings
We made what has turned out to be our annual trip to Niagara-on-the Lake again this year. Don't tell anyone, but at this time of year everything is open including the wineries, hotel prices are great bargains compared to high season, and you have the place largely to yourself. Perfect recipe for relaxing.
We also made our annual pilgrimage to the Shrine of the Little Flower at the Carmelite Monastery in Niagara Falls. They have a reliquary of St. Therese, and a nice display of her writings and memorabilia. A pleasant surprise this year was the finding that the reliquary has been moved from the roped off area of the sanctuary (where you can't go), to the back of the chapel, where you can sit close enough to touch the glass case containing the four relics. A setting for quiet prayer and handing over to St. Therese the cares and worries you bring with you.
*******
Those cares include the spiritual health of our Church. We could not avoid the news of the week that included unsettling reports of sexual and physical abuse in the German and Irish churches. One commentator noted that this was seen to be an American phenomenon in recent years. Now, ironically, it appears to be the case that the Americans responded earlier and more openly, once it all started to come out. An article in today's (March 20) Toronto Star quotes Sr. Nualla Kenny and Dr. John Loftus about their experiences writing two reports on abuse in the Canadian Catholic church. One report in particular, they note, has been largely ignored around the world. Head in the sand mentality still exists. Perhaps this mentality can now really change. Perhaps it will now really have to change. Then we can take some comfort that this is the Church Jesus founded. Meanwhile, the lesson that we are a sinful Church is a humbling reminder that we still need the power of the death and resurrection of Jesus. How timely with Holy Week one week away. Pray for our Church.
We also made our annual pilgrimage to the Shrine of the Little Flower at the Carmelite Monastery in Niagara Falls. They have a reliquary of St. Therese, and a nice display of her writings and memorabilia. A pleasant surprise this year was the finding that the reliquary has been moved from the roped off area of the sanctuary (where you can't go), to the back of the chapel, where you can sit close enough to touch the glass case containing the four relics. A setting for quiet prayer and handing over to St. Therese the cares and worries you bring with you.
*******
Those cares include the spiritual health of our Church. We could not avoid the news of the week that included unsettling reports of sexual and physical abuse in the German and Irish churches. One commentator noted that this was seen to be an American phenomenon in recent years. Now, ironically, it appears to be the case that the Americans responded earlier and more openly, once it all started to come out. An article in today's (March 20) Toronto Star quotes Sr. Nualla Kenny and Dr. John Loftus about their experiences writing two reports on abuse in the Canadian Catholic church. One report in particular, they note, has been largely ignored around the world. Head in the sand mentality still exists. Perhaps this mentality can now really change. Perhaps it will now really have to change. Then we can take some comfort that this is the Church Jesus founded. Meanwhile, the lesson that we are a sinful Church is a humbling reminder that we still need the power of the death and resurrection of Jesus. How timely with Holy Week one week away. Pray for our Church.
Monday, March 8, 2010
Mercy-killing and the right to die
I was going through some articles I had saved, and found one that has profound importance for the debate on assisted-suicide and mercy-killing. This area is very difficult to spend time with, because death itself is not a nice topic, and also because the moral/ ethical issues are complex. But attend to the issue we should, because it is coming to a hospital bed near you sooner or later. The bed could be your parent’s, your child’s – or your own.
The article I saved was from the Catholic Register, February 21, 2010, in which Sr. Nuala Kenny (whom I had the pleasure of meeting when she worked in Kingston some years ago) reported on a study she had done on assisted suicide requests. She found that “There is no significant association between the desire for hastened death and either the presence of pain or pain intensity.” Rather, depression and hopelessness contribute to a feeling that life is not worth living any more, a condition Sr. Kenny refers to as ‘existential suffering.’ Doctors have difficulty addressing this. In fact, in patients treated for depression, “requests for death are withdrawn.” The moral appears to be that we should look for the reason for the request, since we may be able to help.
All this reminds me of the mercy-killing debate that has raged around the world for many decades, calling into question the value of life itself. Proponents of mercy-killing have as their premise that not all lives have equal value. Related to that is the assumption that no-one could possibly want to live as a handicapped person. I recall reading articles by Dr. C. Everett Koop who was a paediatrician in the U. S., and who went to become Surgeon-General in the Reagan administration. Dr. Koop pointed out the fallacy and arrogance of that assumption. Here is one of his quotes:
It has been my constant experience that disability and unhappiness do not necessarily go together. ……. Some of the most unhappy children whom I have known have all of their physical and mental faculties, and on the other hand some of the happiest youngsters have borne burdens which I myself would find very difficult to bear. Our obligation in such circumstances is to find alternatives for the problems our patients face. I don't consider death an acceptable alternative. With our technology and creativity, we are merely at the beginning of what we can do educationally and in the field of leisure activities for such youngsters. And who knows what happiness is for another person?
The debate on assisted suicide and euthanasia is not going to go away. On the contrary it is heating up. In Canada Bloc Quebecois MP Francine Lalonde has tried repeatedly, and will keep trying, to get Parliament to pass a bill that would legalise assisted suicide and euthanasia. I would urge you to follow the debate by tuning into Alex Schadenberg’s website. http://www.euthanasiaprevention.on.ca/
The article I saved was from the Catholic Register, February 21, 2010, in which Sr. Nuala Kenny (whom I had the pleasure of meeting when she worked in Kingston some years ago) reported on a study she had done on assisted suicide requests. She found that “There is no significant association between the desire for hastened death and either the presence of pain or pain intensity.” Rather, depression and hopelessness contribute to a feeling that life is not worth living any more, a condition Sr. Kenny refers to as ‘existential suffering.’ Doctors have difficulty addressing this. In fact, in patients treated for depression, “requests for death are withdrawn.” The moral appears to be that we should look for the reason for the request, since we may be able to help.
All this reminds me of the mercy-killing debate that has raged around the world for many decades, calling into question the value of life itself. Proponents of mercy-killing have as their premise that not all lives have equal value. Related to that is the assumption that no-one could possibly want to live as a handicapped person. I recall reading articles by Dr. C. Everett Koop who was a paediatrician in the U. S., and who went to become Surgeon-General in the Reagan administration. Dr. Koop pointed out the fallacy and arrogance of that assumption. Here is one of his quotes:
It has been my constant experience that disability and unhappiness do not necessarily go together. ……. Some of the most unhappy children whom I have known have all of their physical and mental faculties, and on the other hand some of the happiest youngsters have borne burdens which I myself would find very difficult to bear. Our obligation in such circumstances is to find alternatives for the problems our patients face. I don't consider death an acceptable alternative. With our technology and creativity, we are merely at the beginning of what we can do educationally and in the field of leisure activities for such youngsters. And who knows what happiness is for another person?
The debate on assisted suicide and euthanasia is not going to go away. On the contrary it is heating up. In Canada Bloc Quebecois MP Francine Lalonde has tried repeatedly, and will keep trying, to get Parliament to pass a bill that would legalise assisted suicide and euthanasia. I would urge you to follow the debate by tuning into Alex Schadenberg’s website. http://www.euthanasiaprevention.on.ca/
Monday, March 1, 2010
Olympics are over and the woman at the well has a message for us!
The Olympics are over, and I have exhaled after nearly turning blue waiting for the BIG game to happen. We won! A very enjoyable two weeks, though it surely did not start out that way when the luger from Georgia died so tragically.
Today, reading through the news reports online, I was so impressed with the gracious tone of the New York Times as they affirmed both the Canadian hockey team and the Olympics overall. They even caught the send-up that was the message of the closing ceremonies.
And so as we come up for air, we find ourselves almost in the middle of Lent. Third Sunday of Lent coming right up. I was at the workshop by Father Tom Rosica last weekend, dealing with the Bible. I came away with a renewed sense that the Bible needs to be the air we breathe as we go about living spiritually and deepening our relationship with God. We meet the Risen Lord "who begs people to touch the feet of his Word." "We are people of the living Word of God that introduces us to a person - Jesus." Watch out for pious practices that are empty, Father said, without Scripture being "breathed into them."
And a thought that hit with special meaning for me - people today will listen to preachers only if they are witnesses. I think he means our homilies - my homilies - can't just be lectures or Bible study or platitudes.
Great thoughts. Need to soak in them a bit. Hey, speaking of water, the Gospel this weekend will be (because we have people preparing for reception into the Church at Easter) the woman at the well. She asks Jesus to give her some of that water he is talking about - you know, the water that after you drink it, you will never be thirsty again.
Thing is, we need to be thirsty to start with, the way this woman was.
The Olympics are over, Lent is on. A great opportunity to think, to soak in God's word, and to work up a great thirst.
Today, reading through the news reports online, I was so impressed with the gracious tone of the New York Times as they affirmed both the Canadian hockey team and the Olympics overall. They even caught the send-up that was the message of the closing ceremonies.
And so as we come up for air, we find ourselves almost in the middle of Lent. Third Sunday of Lent coming right up. I was at the workshop by Father Tom Rosica last weekend, dealing with the Bible. I came away with a renewed sense that the Bible needs to be the air we breathe as we go about living spiritually and deepening our relationship with God. We meet the Risen Lord "who begs people to touch the feet of his Word." "We are people of the living Word of God that introduces us to a person - Jesus." Watch out for pious practices that are empty, Father said, without Scripture being "breathed into them."
And a thought that hit with special meaning for me - people today will listen to preachers only if they are witnesses. I think he means our homilies - my homilies - can't just be lectures or Bible study or platitudes.
Great thoughts. Need to soak in them a bit. Hey, speaking of water, the Gospel this weekend will be (because we have people preparing for reception into the Church at Easter) the woman at the well. She asks Jesus to give her some of that water he is talking about - you know, the water that after you drink it, you will never be thirsty again.
Thing is, we need to be thirsty to start with, the way this woman was.
The Olympics are over, Lent is on. A great opportunity to think, to soak in God's word, and to work up a great thirst.
Monday, February 22, 2010
I got a reply from Michael Ignatieff
I received this email today:
Dear Philip Carney:
On behalf of the Liberal Party of Canada, I would like to acknowledge receipt of your recent email concerning the Liberal Party’s request that the Conservative government uphold Canada’s long-standing tradition of recognizing women’s reproductive rights and access to contraception as part of Stephen Harper’s maternal health initiative.
The Liberal Party remains concerned that this initiative will break with Canada’s tradition of funding organizations that advance women’s rights to reproductive choice and access to birth control. Access to contraception and reproductive health services is an integral part of any strategy to empower women. Without reproductive choice or access to birth control, women are less able to benefit from education or economic opportunity, and remain susceptible to gender-based violence and discrimination.
Stephen Harper has shown that he is willing to cut funding to aid groups, like KAIROS, an ecumenical charity, that dare to speak out against the Conservative party line. We need a clear commitment that access to contraception reproductive health services – and the organizations that promote them – will not be jeopardized by the Conservative caucus.
We understand this issue stirs extremely strong feelings and the Liberal Party respects the right of every Canadian to express their views freely and openly.
Yours sincerely,
Office of Michael Ignatieff
Leader of the Liberal Party of Canada
Here is part of what I wrote back:
Dear Office of Michael Ignatieff:
Thank you for your reply to my email.
(A)dvancing the Liberal cause by raising the abortion issue and advocating abortion, is an incredibly cynical way to buy votes. The party can appeal to women in a whole lot of ways besides doing it on the backs of unborn children. I am left gasping for breath at this.
The party risks alienating a lot of voters by going down this path. (T)his is what you are offering me to vote for?
You are a taking a huge gamble here. But what a cynical one it is, that's what gets me.
I and many Canadian voters have been caught off guard by this.
I am watching closely.
Time for a rethink.
Philip Carney
Dear Philip Carney:
On behalf of the Liberal Party of Canada, I would like to acknowledge receipt of your recent email concerning the Liberal Party’s request that the Conservative government uphold Canada’s long-standing tradition of recognizing women’s reproductive rights and access to contraception as part of Stephen Harper’s maternal health initiative.
The Liberal Party remains concerned that this initiative will break with Canada’s tradition of funding organizations that advance women’s rights to reproductive choice and access to birth control. Access to contraception and reproductive health services is an integral part of any strategy to empower women. Without reproductive choice or access to birth control, women are less able to benefit from education or economic opportunity, and remain susceptible to gender-based violence and discrimination.
Stephen Harper has shown that he is willing to cut funding to aid groups, like KAIROS, an ecumenical charity, that dare to speak out against the Conservative party line. We need a clear commitment that access to contraception reproductive health services – and the organizations that promote them – will not be jeopardized by the Conservative caucus.
We understand this issue stirs extremely strong feelings and the Liberal Party respects the right of every Canadian to express their views freely and openly.
Yours sincerely,
Office of Michael Ignatieff
Leader of the Liberal Party of Canada
Here is part of what I wrote back:
Dear Office of Michael Ignatieff:
Thank you for your reply to my email.
(A)dvancing the Liberal cause by raising the abortion issue and advocating abortion, is an incredibly cynical way to buy votes. The party can appeal to women in a whole lot of ways besides doing it on the backs of unborn children. I am left gasping for breath at this.
The party risks alienating a lot of voters by going down this path. (T)his is what you are offering me to vote for?
You are a taking a huge gamble here. But what a cynical one it is, that's what gets me.
I and many Canadian voters have been caught off guard by this.
I am watching closely.
Time for a rethink.
Philip Carney
Friday, February 12, 2010
Of compartments and spiritual growth
The word has cropped up in news articles a few times in the past few weeks. Articles about high profile individuals involved in scandals that take your breath away when you hear about them. The word is ‘compartment’, the verb form being ‘compartmentalize.’
To put it in perspective, this is an action that we all know about. It is one we probably use every day. For example, think of the clerk at the coffee shop that greets you with a smile when you make your purchase in the morning. You will not know about the argument they just had with a family member before they left for work. You will not know about the pressure they feel about unpaid bills. The reason is that they tuck that memory and the feelings that go with it, into a little compartment, just out of sight, so that they can function in their job of serving us. We do the same thing when we greet our family after a difficult day at work. Or at least we try – not letting our sadness or hurt or anger come in to the conversation about the other person’s day.
The problem occurs when we split our life up into segments that have labels of good and evil, holy and unholy, prayer and hate, on them. Putting those elements of ourselves into separate compartments allows us to visit each of them without being affected by the others. When that happens, the part of me that is a person of prayer never gets to deal with the part of me that is so hateful. The part of me that is my compulsive, greedy self, is able to go to the behaviours involved, without being reined in by the part that knows right from wrong.
Why do we create those kinds of compartments?
First, because we like what is in the dark ones: we are in a conflict of interest, and so we eliminate the conflict by having the separate compartment. Second, because whenever we have thought of eliminating the dark one, we realize we can’t. The struggle is too hard: and so we eliminate the struggle by having a separate compartment to go to. Third, because we do not trust God to see us through: maybe we do not trust that God is even aware of this struggle. Maybe we do not know what the Cross and Resurrection were about. Maybe we simply cannot believe that God cares about our struggle. Maybe we are afraid of God, and so we try to hide the dark stuff even from Him.
Here is the first secret of dealing with the compartments and the stuff in them: we do not have to start by emptying the dark ones out. We do not have to change our whole lives in order to be people of wholeness and integrity. That is not what the Cross and the Resurrection were about. No, what we need to do is take down all the walls of the compartments so that the dark stuff simply stands in the light of the ones that contain our prayer (even our ancient history of prayer), our desire to have a relationship with God, our deep down wish to be holy.
The beginning, in other words, is simply being honest with ourselves. We will feel a sense of peace, not of despair, when we let the light of the tiniest bit of holy inside ourselves, shine on the dark stuff. When the compartments know about each other, we will feel great relief. We might even smile. We will know what the Cross and Resurrection are about. They are about healing, not about a requirement for perfection. Start today – enjoy some light. You will know what to do with the dark stuff.
To put it in perspective, this is an action that we all know about. It is one we probably use every day. For example, think of the clerk at the coffee shop that greets you with a smile when you make your purchase in the morning. You will not know about the argument they just had with a family member before they left for work. You will not know about the pressure they feel about unpaid bills. The reason is that they tuck that memory and the feelings that go with it, into a little compartment, just out of sight, so that they can function in their job of serving us. We do the same thing when we greet our family after a difficult day at work. Or at least we try – not letting our sadness or hurt or anger come in to the conversation about the other person’s day.
The problem occurs when we split our life up into segments that have labels of good and evil, holy and unholy, prayer and hate, on them. Putting those elements of ourselves into separate compartments allows us to visit each of them without being affected by the others. When that happens, the part of me that is a person of prayer never gets to deal with the part of me that is so hateful. The part of me that is my compulsive, greedy self, is able to go to the behaviours involved, without being reined in by the part that knows right from wrong.
Why do we create those kinds of compartments?
First, because we like what is in the dark ones: we are in a conflict of interest, and so we eliminate the conflict by having the separate compartment. Second, because whenever we have thought of eliminating the dark one, we realize we can’t. The struggle is too hard: and so we eliminate the struggle by having a separate compartment to go to. Third, because we do not trust God to see us through: maybe we do not trust that God is even aware of this struggle. Maybe we do not know what the Cross and Resurrection were about. Maybe we simply cannot believe that God cares about our struggle. Maybe we are afraid of God, and so we try to hide the dark stuff even from Him.
Here is the first secret of dealing with the compartments and the stuff in them: we do not have to start by emptying the dark ones out. We do not have to change our whole lives in order to be people of wholeness and integrity. That is not what the Cross and the Resurrection were about. No, what we need to do is take down all the walls of the compartments so that the dark stuff simply stands in the light of the ones that contain our prayer (even our ancient history of prayer), our desire to have a relationship with God, our deep down wish to be holy.
The beginning, in other words, is simply being honest with ourselves. We will feel a sense of peace, not of despair, when we let the light of the tiniest bit of holy inside ourselves, shine on the dark stuff. When the compartments know about each other, we will feel great relief. We might even smile. We will know what the Cross and Resurrection are about. They are about healing, not about a requirement for perfection. Start today – enjoy some light. You will know what to do with the dark stuff.
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
Abortion policy
The following headline and story appeared in the news today. I immediately sent an email to the Liberal Party of Canada warning them that while I am a card carrying Liberal, any policy initiative made on the backs of unborn children would cost them my membership.
Out here in the Orchard, death occurs in the natural order of things, not with the creatures killing their unborn.
Finance abortion, contraception under health initiative, Ignatieff urges Harper
OTTAWA — Michael Ignatieff has lobbed an abortion grenade into the midst of Prime Minister Stephen Harper's plans to become an international champion of women's and children's health.
The Liberal leader says Harper's commitment must include government aid for "the full gamut" of women's reproductive health services, including abortion and contraception.
Out here in the Orchard, death occurs in the natural order of things, not with the creatures killing their unborn.
Finance abortion, contraception under health initiative, Ignatieff urges Harper
OTTAWA — Michael Ignatieff has lobbed an abortion grenade into the midst of Prime Minister Stephen Harper's plans to become an international champion of women's and children's health.
The Liberal leader says Harper's commitment must include government aid for "the full gamut" of women's reproductive health services, including abortion and contraception.
Monday, February 1, 2010
Media time, and the ‘iGeners’
Here we are at St. Paul's trying to expand the way we communicate with people. In this case we are using the parish web site for our Blogs. As I have already noted, Pope Benedict himself urged clergy around the world to follow his lead in this area! Imagine!
Well now comes a study confirming what we already knew or suspected: that you can get too much of a good thing. According to a new study by the Kaiser Family Foundation, (American) youths between 8 and 18 spend an average of 7½ hours a day using media devices - not counting the 1½ hours they spend talking on their cell-phones. They are also multi-tasking within the media usage, eg texting while watching TV or listening to music. The result is that they cram “nearly 11 hours of media content into that seven and a half hours.”
“The study’s findings shocked its authors, who had concluded in 2005 that use could not possibly grow further….. . It found, moreover, that heavy media use is associated with several negatives, including behavior problems and lower grades. “
The New York Times invited commentary by a number of experts around the U.S. One that caught my eye was by Dr. Larry Rosen a psychology professor in California. He said the findings of the study corroborated what he himself has been finding in his research. He coined the term ‘iGeners’, and noted that media is critical for socialization and communication. However, read this:
I have also found that this consumption of media was predictive of psychological and behavioral problems … . What’s more, parenting style was directly related to healthy online behavior: Parents who set clear limits and boundaries but did so with warmth and consultation with their children, had children who were less consumed with media, possessed higher self-esteem, were less depressed and had better relationships with their parents.
That’s the part that really caught my eye. Not just that there is a point where a good thing becomes problematic, but that parents can intervene wisely and effectively. Clear limits and boundaries, set with warmth and consultation. The outcomes are wonderful.
Parents and youths alike, have a good look. You have probably wondered whether there is a problem with high media usage. There is. Parents, you have wondered whether you can do anything about it, since it is everywhere and after all you have funded most of it. You can do something about it, and it sounds like you probably need to.
Couple of ideas: First: talk about including some really rich nourishment in their Internet time. At our house, we have been receiving two powerful e-letters on a regular basis. One is from Fr. Henri Nouwen’s website. Fr. Nouwen died a few years ago, and his followers send out these spiritual gems from his writings. They are short, to the point, and never syrupy. You go to the website (http://www.henrinouwen.org/), and sign up for the emails right on the home page.
If you would like to add something equally well written, with a feminine perspective, Sr. Joan Chittister is for you. She is well known world-wide, and like Fr. Nouwen has written a number of great books. Super writer, lots to think about, never trivial. Go to the website (http://benetvision.org/) and again sign up for the eletter on the main page.
Second, develop a collaborative approach to the issue of media time. More about that soon.
Well now comes a study confirming what we already knew or suspected: that you can get too much of a good thing. According to a new study by the Kaiser Family Foundation, (American) youths between 8 and 18 spend an average of 7½ hours a day using media devices - not counting the 1½ hours they spend talking on their cell-phones. They are also multi-tasking within the media usage, eg texting while watching TV or listening to music. The result is that they cram “nearly 11 hours of media content into that seven and a half hours.”
“The study’s findings shocked its authors, who had concluded in 2005 that use could not possibly grow further….. . It found, moreover, that heavy media use is associated with several negatives, including behavior problems and lower grades. “
The New York Times invited commentary by a number of experts around the U.S. One that caught my eye was by Dr. Larry Rosen a psychology professor in California. He said the findings of the study corroborated what he himself has been finding in his research. He coined the term ‘iGeners’, and noted that media is critical for socialization and communication. However, read this:
I have also found that this consumption of media was predictive of psychological and behavioral problems … . What’s more, parenting style was directly related to healthy online behavior: Parents who set clear limits and boundaries but did so with warmth and consultation with their children, had children who were less consumed with media, possessed higher self-esteem, were less depressed and had better relationships with their parents.
That’s the part that really caught my eye. Not just that there is a point where a good thing becomes problematic, but that parents can intervene wisely and effectively. Clear limits and boundaries, set with warmth and consultation. The outcomes are wonderful.
Parents and youths alike, have a good look. You have probably wondered whether there is a problem with high media usage. There is. Parents, you have wondered whether you can do anything about it, since it is everywhere and after all you have funded most of it. You can do something about it, and it sounds like you probably need to.
Couple of ideas: First: talk about including some really rich nourishment in their Internet time. At our house, we have been receiving two powerful e-letters on a regular basis. One is from Fr. Henri Nouwen’s website. Fr. Nouwen died a few years ago, and his followers send out these spiritual gems from his writings. They are short, to the point, and never syrupy. You go to the website (http://www.henrinouwen.org/), and sign up for the emails right on the home page.
If you would like to add something equally well written, with a feminine perspective, Sr. Joan Chittister is for you. She is well known world-wide, and like Fr. Nouwen has written a number of great books. Super writer, lots to think about, never trivial. Go to the website (http://benetvision.org/) and again sign up for the eletter on the main page.
Second, develop a collaborative approach to the issue of media time. More about that soon.
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Ministry of Spiritual Direction
It seemed so natural and attractive for me when I was in studies for the Diaconate back in 1990. I have been a psychologist since 1974, and have always enjoyed being with people in their life journeys. When I went on my first directed retreat at the Jesuit Spirituality Centre in Guelph, I came to understand that the dynamic between my director and me was based on the structure of the Spiritual Exercises written by St. Ignatius in the 16th century. Not only is Ignatius brilliant in his insights into the problem of evil, the way we make choices, the need to choose for God, and so on, my psychologist mind found his way of praying the scriptures with imagining, his way of dialoguing with Jesus and his mother and the Trinity, to be most fascinating. I read everything I could about his life, including his autobiography. I took three workshops in Spiritual Direction over successive summers. And I was hooked.
It was not always easy. The psychologist in me kept wanting to intervene, when I met with people. My instructors would tell me, 'Well that's very interesting, but it's not spiritual direction.' I had to learn that the first task of a person who is journeying with another as they deepen their relationship with Jesus, is to stay out of the way of the Spirit! Instead, listen for the work of the Spirit in the person's life. Help them learn to pray, but above all help them develop a discerning heart, the kind that sees God in all things.
Spiritual Direction is my Diaconate service ministry, and I have been seeing people from all over the diocese, as well as from Kingston itself. What a privilege, what a graced activity. The people I see cannot appreciate this, I suppose, but they bring the most wonderful gift to me as well, that of focusing my attention on God present. Indeed, letting me see God in them.
Anyone interested in exploring this, send me an email at the address shown on the page here. I will get back to you.
It was not always easy. The psychologist in me kept wanting to intervene, when I met with people. My instructors would tell me, 'Well that's very interesting, but it's not spiritual direction.' I had to learn that the first task of a person who is journeying with another as they deepen their relationship with Jesus, is to stay out of the way of the Spirit! Instead, listen for the work of the Spirit in the person's life. Help them learn to pray, but above all help them develop a discerning heart, the kind that sees God in all things.
Spiritual Direction is my Diaconate service ministry, and I have been seeing people from all over the diocese, as well as from Kingston itself. What a privilege, what a graced activity. The people I see cannot appreciate this, I suppose, but they bring the most wonderful gift to me as well, that of focusing my attention on God present. Indeed, letting me see God in them.
Anyone interested in exploring this, send me an email at the address shown on the page here. I will get back to you.
Saturday, January 23, 2010
Haiti- the limited power of events
I have found it very difficult to watch the events in Haiti after the earthquake on January 12. So much suffering. Feeling so powerless. Feeling numb after seeing the same clips over and over. But then something started to catch my attention. The first time it was sweet and reassuring. The tenth and twentieth time, with different people each time, it became a confirmed and noticeable pattern. I am referring to the number of people, especially among those who had been trapped and then were freed, who said that they were not scared under the rubble because they handed it over to God. And they trusted God.
They couldn't have made this up. They couldn't have been talking pious platitudes in the face of such reality. They were talking of their real experience and their real behaviour.
I have told so many people so many times in my psychologist's office that the challenge facing them in their difficulty is to not let it determine the kind of day they were having. Events and people do not have that power. It is theirs, they need to claim it for themselves.
The people of Haiti do themselves proud. They witness so beautifully, so simply. God did not cause this tragedy, but God is there with the victims, reminding them that not even a collapsed building wins when they trust their God. God remains the anchor of all meaning in their lives. Thank you, people of Haiti, you have given me a great gift.
They couldn't have made this up. They couldn't have been talking pious platitudes in the face of such reality. They were talking of their real experience and their real behaviour.
I have told so many people so many times in my psychologist's office that the challenge facing them in their difficulty is to not let it determine the kind of day they were having. Events and people do not have that power. It is theirs, they need to claim it for themselves.
The people of Haiti do themselves proud. They witness so beautifully, so simply. God did not cause this tragedy, but God is there with the victims, reminding them that not even a collapsed building wins when they trust their God. God remains the anchor of all meaning in their lives. Thank you, people of Haiti, you have given me a great gift.
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